In a shock move recently, His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama revealed that the early Soviet Space Programme did not use dogs as Cosmonauts, but in fact used the children of dissident Tibetans – supplied secretly by the Chinese ‘Communist’ Government. The Tibetan children – dressed in fur costumes – were ‘sealed’ into sound-proof spacesuits, before being incarcerated into the capsules of crudely manufactured rockets (designed by the maniacal Stalin!) The Dalai Lama, with a tear in his eye, then stated that he was part of the US Apollo 11 Moon-shot, and during that 1969 mission, when off-camera, performed a special ritual and drew a mandala in the moon-dust for the souls of those Tibetan innocents lost during the heady days of the USSR excursion into space. He further explained that Communist China had stolen Tibetan space technology and tried to pass it off as their own! He finished with a flourish by stating that he was in fact a ‘Marxist’, and ended on a high note by requesting that young Tibetans set fire to themselves outside of a Buddhist monastery or temple of their choice!
A number of ‘leftwing’ journalists who were present, sparked controversy by casting doubt on the Dalai Lama’s statements. This was particularly embarrassing for President Barak Obama – a Black man currently supporting the neo-Nazi regime in the Ukraine – who has got used to not having the ‘official’ US version of events questioned by the mainstream media. Xinhua, RT, and Al Jezeera all pointed-out that Stalin was long dead before the Soviets launched dogs into space, and that the CIA did not launch its campaign of welding Western racist nationalism onto Tibetan Buddhism until 1959! The Huffington Post added that all the US Astronauts were in fact ‘white’ Americans (much like their editorial staff), and that there was no evidence that the Dalai Lama had left his luxury US hotel during the Apollo 11 moon-shot. The British Morning Star Newspaper was ignored when it asked for ‘evidence’ to back-up the Dalai Lama’s assertions.
The Dalai Lama listened sagely and then quickly telephoned Richard Alpert (Ram Dass) to ask his opinion. Ram Dass calmed His Holiness from his wheelchair on a Pacific island, and advised that he should continue the line of equating the Israeli resistance to the Palestinians with the Tibetan resistance to the Chinese. In that way the Zionist lobby in the US (and elsewhere) would to continue to fund the anti-Chinese racism emanating from the Dalai Lama and his clique of luxury enjoying lamas. This conversation was concluded with both megaliths of the spiritual world agreeing to raise their fees for the upcoming financial year.
The Dalai Lama clarified his position by explaining that he lived in a world of mythic reality which Westerners must take seriously or he would report them to the United Nations for the crime of racism! He then placed his palms together (which made his supporters to ‘swoon’) and shouted ‘Death to China!’ and ‘Down with Communism!’ Following the Press Conference, President Obama had the dissenting journalists imprisoned without trial, and the Dalai Lama awarded the prestigious Medal of Honor!
UPDATE: A week after this Press Conference, NASA announced that it had found a previously ‘classified’ tape in its vaults that clearly shows the Dalai Lama wearing a special ‘orange’ space-suit replete with the Tibetan National Flag on the shoulder! He is clearly heard chanting in Tibetan and seen making marks on the ground with a special stick! The Dalai Lama received a further boost recently when the neo-Nazi Government of the Ukraine ‘unearthed’ a mass grave in the former Soviet Republic containing the bodies of Tibetan Children ‘dressed like dogs’ and wearing Soviet-era space-suits! Ram Dass wept openly as he announced (via podcast) the publication of his new book – ‘Does a Dog have Buddha-Nature – Go Ask the Tibetan Children!’ – and the Dalai Lama danced with joy as he visited Taiwan! In the meantime, President Obama announced that the detained journalists are to charged with violation of ‘Freedom of Speech’, and of course ‘racism’, for contradicting the Dalai Lama. When asked for his reaction, the Dalai Lama stated that he would visit the journalists in prison to personally ‘forgive’ them, before ‘smiling’ in their direction. He then surprised everyone with an impromptu geography lesson – demonstrating with an interactive map that not only was Tibetan never a political part of China, but that it was not actually geographically part of China, but in fact existed somewhere in South America! Google and Wikipedia quickly acted to update their pages!