I was researching the microfiche depository at the Imperial War Museum in London (Lambeth) – and as I had a few minutes left – I decided to see if I could find any mention of the 18th century story surrounding the legend of the Black Pigs of Hampstead. Strangely, the Archivist in charge on the day said that a far-right group in the UK had recently used this title to refer to migrants arriving in Dover – with the Author being immediately “arrested”! An Old Bailey Runner had been sent to said Library on a mission from the Government to find data explaining what the “original” meaning of this title meant – as the far-right storyteller had suggested it was a “family” story passed on from his great grandfather! My luck was in, or so it seemed, as the file of documents given to the Runner was still easily accessible and I was granted access to it. Below I have had to hastily copytype an article from The Times entitled “Implausably Large Sewer Pigs Cause Incredible Back Log of Human Excrement!” – dated Sunday June 27th, 1875 (Supplement):
“The locals are a rowdy, uneducated lot taken to all kinds of lewd and drunken behaviour! These bare-footed people wear filthy rags with skin as dark as night! I am told it is for want of a bar of soap that these natives of the Dark Continent would reappear as the White men they truly are! Like the Natives they resemble – this London scum spend their days fornicating and drinking gin – complaining about their lot! Indeed, this is the scum Messrs Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels would have us believe comprise the ‘superior’ strata of society just waiting in the aisles to take over the running of the country! These people do not speak the Queen’s English – but rather a type of localised drawl. This is why we brought our Office Runner – Tom – who came from this background and can decipher the native language! Our bodies and our belongings were protected by a few local “heavies” willing to earn a few Shillings NOT to beat us up and to STOP their fellow ruffians from inflicting the same upon us!
We were told that the area is currently in mourning due to a local’s body being found partially devoured in the nearby sewer system. ‘It was the Black Pigs wot done which live down the Sewers’ – we were told. The plan to have all the latrines feeding into the sewers was thought a security risk for the nation. In light of this interpretation the Whigs have been putting about the hysterical idea that Napoleonic Socialism is ‘seeping’ out of Western France and into the English Channel – where it enters the English sewer system (travelling up the pipes) into the domestic and public latrines! From here, it is a simple matter of this foreign ideology entering the unsuspecting human body via the ‘back passage’ – thus converting England into a French colony! As anyone who agrees with this process – is agreeing with ‘back passage violation’ – then, such people are declared to be ‘paedophiles’ and ‘sexual deviants’! Obviously, the Whigs are whipping up the ignorance of working-class sentiment and encouraging those who can draw to set about unsuspecting individuals (who think latrines are a good idea) and make charcoal ‘likenesses’ which are then affixed to public spaces – as a means to induce a sense of ‘shame’ in said individuals!
The Black Pigs are a herd of feral animals which escaped from a local Butcher’s Shop at an unknown time. As these animals are covered in human excrement – their external colouring is ‘dark’ in nature! Furthermore, their size is said to be enormous due to the offal they consume! We did not see these pigs with our own eyes – but this is because we dare not venture too deep into the sewers due to the flooding which occurs twice a day. We did, however, hear ‘grunting’ – but very much at a distance!”
SANGHA KOMMUNE (SSR) 