The CEO of OceanGate has issued a statement via his personal Instagram Account whilst stood adjacent to a prototype of the newly unveiled ‘Titan II’ – ‘Enhanced Ocean-bed Multi-Purpose Explorer Submersible’ (EOMPES). This ‘new’ technological marvel comes equipped with a transiter, a torch and ‘five’ unique harmonic hammers – each designed to tap-out a resolute ‘SOS’ should the situation arise.
These series of impressive photographs feature female models draped over the the outer shell of the superstructure – with one young lady hanging half-way out a ‘second’ door-hatch – an added escape route for extra security! As if all these innovations were not enough – the Chief Engineer is seen holding a substantial bull-horn!
“OceanGate is saddened to learn that the 5 intrepid explorers were unable to use the 96 hours of supplied oxygen in a more constructive manner. Considering the tragic conclusion of this affair – OceanGate will NOT be pursuing any criminal damages, liability or responsibility against these 5 – whose poor life-guiding skills cost them their live!
As there is no ill-feeling – OceanGate will NOT be charging the families concerned for the loss of the Submersible (Titan I) and will NOT be pursuing renumeration for the ample cost of the Search and Rescue Mission. Furthermore:
1) OceanGate will be issuing a full refund of $125,000 to the families of each participant.
2) OceanGate will be offering a 50% Discount coupon to the five families concerned.
3) This 50% Discount coupon will be redeemable for special ‘Titan II’ tours to the seabed for those onboard to observe the wreck of Titan I!
4) Titan I will become a ‘tomb’ for those who died onboard – with a special compartment reserved especially for those of the Islamic faith! This will be distinguished by a ‘Crescent Moon’ engraved on the outer structure!”
SANGHA KOMMUNE (SSR) 