Have you got what it takes to be an ‘online’ French Foreign Legionnaire? Do you possess a reliable source of WiFi and a laptop with a camera (so that all your efforts can be monitored from the Legion’s Headquarters in France? You do? Then what are you waiting for? Ad everyone join’s the Legion to ‘forget’ and be ‘forgotten’ – there are a number of steps that you must follow to prepare the ground for your voyage into the lifestyle of le Legion!
A) Inform your significant other of that your relationship with them is at an end. Return all exchanged or recurve jewellery to underline this change of status, whilst cancelling all mobile ‘phone contracts, etc, to prevent any future ‘mundane’ communications!
B) Close all your windows and turn off all air conditioning whilst turning up the heating to around 30 degrees Celsius!
C) Lighting must be adjusted so as to be ‘very bright’ during the day (to mimic the sun Moroccan sun at mid-day) whilst your abode must be made ‘pitch-black’ (like the desert) at night. Achieve this mirage by painting your windows black.
D) Download the 13-hour video featuring the shifting sands of Morocco found on the French Foreign Legion website.
E) Order your French Foreign Legion outfit (c. 1920) from an online fancy dress supplier and you are all set to become an ‘online’ French Foreign Legionnaire!
F) Acquire a modest indoor sandpit which must be placed immediately in front of the TV that will be playing the desert video.
G) Using a broomstick as a rifle stand in the sandpit and press ‘play’ on the video!
H) Next, you will march on the spot for 13-hours singing ‘le boudin’ for inspiration as you pretend to traverse the desert scenery on the lookout for any Arabs entertaining thoughts of self-determination and national independence!
I) You may sleep for three hours at a time before being suddenly wakened by a neighing donkey…
J) You must repeat this procedure for 20-years so that you can forget the world and the world can forget you!
Remember, the people of France love you and thank you for your service!
DISCLAIMER: The term ‘French Foreign Legion’ refers to no entity (or ‘individual;) living or dead – actual or fiction – that possesses the legal right to ‘sue’ the author of this text. Furthermore, any ‘online’ Legionnaires are voluntarily ‘playing-out’ a fantasy divorced from the rigours of everyday existence – nominally in the name of ‘France’ – and since ‘1831’ in the name of French ‘Imperialism’!