The FBI has issued a statement DENYING any direct link between the surname of the suspect (alleged to have shot at ex-President Trump) – and the act of of committing a crime – suggesting such an assumed relationship amounts to nothing less than genealogical pseudoscience. This follows a series of articles originating from Fox News (in the US) and GBNews (in the UK) – suggesting that all “leftwing” activists are ISIS Operatives who have been trained in Middle Eastern Death-Camps!
FBI Special Agent Dox Holder – an expert on counter-terrorist tactics – released the following statement:
“The shooter is believed to be one ‘Thomas Matthew Crooks’ – a 20-year old who is now deceased. This suspect tried to assassinate ex-President Trump – whilst killing one and wounded two-others. Ex-President Trump was only lightly wounded and was able to walk away from the scene. The surname ‘Crooks’ does not relate to the act of being a ‘Crook’ – or of committing a ‘crime’. Furthermore, such a surname does not infer that the holder possesses a ‘Crooked’ character – regardless of the life choices such an individual might (or might not) make.
FBI Files report that the surname ‘Crooks’ is an ancient English (Norse) or ‘Viking’ surname relating to an individual who specialises in the care of adult sheep or juvenal lambs. As a surname, it is related to the surnames ‘Shepperd’ and ‘Lambert’ – with ‘Crooks’ referring to a six-foot wooden staff that possess a ‘hook’ (or ‘crook’) at one-end – used to ‘envelop’ the neck-area of a sheep or lamb – ‘at a distance’. This piece of pre-modern technology allows for troublesome and quick-footed sheep and lambs that need to be captured and brought near to their human carer.
At no point does a staff with a hooked-end involve the firing of metallic projcctiles at unliked (or unreliable) political opponents. The FBI does not endorse any theory that relates to the surname of Mr Crooks (RIP) relating to the act of being ‘criminal’. If Mr Crooks had remained living on the hills (pursuing a pastoral lifestyle) the situation would have turned-out quite different – with Mr Crooks still being alive – and ex-President Donald Trump not having to endure a slight graze across one of his ears.”
Meanwhile, local Trump supporters have been seen gathering the spilt blood of Donald Trump and placing it into glass vials – advertising these faith-based objects on the internet as “religiously” inspired artefacts – designed to “cure” any ailment or malady. Some supporters have travelled to the US-Mexican border – sprinkling the blood across the barrier in the belief that Trump’s essential nutrients possess the ability to keep non-Americans OUT of US territory. One recipient of these vials in the mail reported that his grandmother “flew” 20-foot into the air for 30 minutes on the day of its arrival! The Catholic Church has released a statement confirming that Trump – although a Protestant atheist – is in fact a true representative of Jesus Christ on Earth! The Arch Bishop of Canterbury (in the UK) stated that although it is agreed that Donald Trump is indeed a “Saviour” – it must be understood that this does not necessarily have any direct connection to the Vatican – or to Papal Authority. A little reported academic assessment (published by Oxford University) has stated that an objective analysis of the blood has revealed it is an “ordinary” human substance – with a prevalence related to isolated communities scattered throughout the Netherlands.
SANGHA KOMMUNE (SSR) 