ITV top Executives have announced that “Gordon the Gopher” – a hand puppet formerly operated by the top Presenter “Philip Schofield” – was quietly transported to a private Veterinary Clinic in the Docklands and quietly “euthanised”. Although initially difficult to track down and ensnare, “Gordon” was finally discovered hiding in an ITV basement! Speaking through a lawyer, an ITV spokesperson issued the following statement:
“Following an internal investigation, it has been revealed that Gordon the Gopher (a puppet) was operated for a time with the right-hand of Philip Schofield ‘inserted’ through its anal and rectal area. ITV has been advised that this situation, given the scandal that has unfolded concerning Schofield’s private life manifesting in his public life, is untenable and remedial action has been taken. ITV can confirm that Gordon the Gopher was declared ‘deceased’ at 0800 hrs this morning. ITV does NOT condone in anyway grown men inserting any part of their anatomy into any part of an animal – be it real or imaginary.”
HM Prisons has confirmed that where possible, siblings are housed together, and an insider has revealed that the cell of Timothy Schofield has been kept “clear” of a second occupant whilst the British judicial system awaits developments. Meanwhile, the Publicists who represent Philip Schofield have advised their client to “practice” sitting in a CGI cell as a means to “prepare” his mind and body for any eventuality. This action has been described as purely “routine” for anyone preparing to occupy severely constricted spaces.
SANGHA KOMMUNE (SSR) 