Email: How St John followed the Talking Dog… (22.7.2020)

St John the Apostle

The early Christian scribes must have been engaged is some kind of internecine holy war which saw the principle of ‘one-up-manship’ fully in operation! First, we encountered St Acts of Peter and his talking dog (not to mention Simon Magus – a kind of ecclesiastical Paul Daniels), and now I find that in the Acts of St John, John – whilst sleeping in a bug-infested bed – issues a ‘divine order’ (fatwah) requesting that all the bugs vacate the bed for the duration of his sleep-time! John’s followers then report that all the bugs leave the bed and congregate quietly in the corner (in a ‘heap’). When morning arrives – and after a really good night’s sleep – John awakes fully refreshed! He looks to the pile of bugs waiting patiently by the door and says to them: ‘Verily, I say unto you, as you haveth seen fit to serveth the Lord Jesus Christ through his humble servant John, from this day onwards you shall crawleth to left and to the right of the throne of God, and all shall knoweth of your selfless act!’ With a nod, John releases the little bugs from the limitations of his holy order, and they all happily stream back toward the safety (and warmth) of the bed! The text then describes how the bugs scurry up bed-legs and into crevices, glad to be back in their natural habitat! 

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