Ukraine: Mitre Inadvertantly Supports Russian Special Operation! (12.5.2022)

A Major Sutton Supermarket In Sutton Pologuses for Stocking Pro-Russian Football Product!

Whilst out on a family shopping trip recently, we discovered a Mitre Football carrying the ‘V’ symbol used by the Russian Military to denote ‘East’ (the area of Donbass being cleared of Ukrainian Neo-Nazism) during its ‘Special Operation’! The Manager of the Supermarket concerned was at pains to reassure use that the Chain he represents in no way supports or associates itself with Russia’s alleged attempts at ‘de-nazifying’ Ukraine! Mitre – the French-based firm – also apologised for the assumed association but stressed that France has a long history of collaborating with fascism (as the ‘Vichy’ government confirms), and as far as they were concerned, the ‘V’ in this instance carries the dual meaning of a) the Roman numeral denoting the number ‘5’ – and b) the initial letter of the English word referring to the concept of ‘Victory’ in the sporting sense! The Mitre spokesperson went on to state that twenty years ago – during the chaos surrounding a failed assassination attempt upon the Pope – a vicious rumour was started by leftwing groups that ‘Mitre’ was secretly owned by the Vatican (as a means for paedophile priests to infiltrate children’s sports groups) – with the name referring to the tall Bishop’s hat worn by the Pope on special occasions! Meanwhile, Russia’s leading Sports Association has ordered the name ‘Mitre’ to be removed from all footballs – whilst the ‘V’ is to be retained and a ‘Z’ added in the space formerly occupied by the Mitre logo.

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